


Rubble and Sins

by snidgetsong



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Azkaban, Gen, Gen Work, Pre-Hogwarts, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 01:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4081054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snidgetsong/pseuds/snidgetsong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius tries to stay sane while languishing in Azkaban.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rubble and Sins

**Author's Note:**

> Written for **LJ's hh_sugarquill Writer's Block Challenge:** Song Lyric  
>  **Details:** "Oh where do we begin? The rubble or our sins?"

He slides down the wall hitting the floor hard but he's numb to pain now. His nose is flooded with the stench of filth and sickness, and he wishes he could still smell the icy air that blows into the tiny, iron-slatted window above him.

His heart pounds against his chest as his eyes frantically search for any opportunity to escape. The Dementors are going to drive him mad, if he doesn't get out, if he doesn't find a way to cope.

His jagged fingernails dig into his scalp through his dark hair, knotted though it is. It feels as if there's two of him. His mind flickers to a memory of laughing with James in the back garden; the world is alive with green grass and swarming midge flies.

The other him, the one he can touch, is alone staring at a bleak, gray world where there's no one to love him but a tiny boy—who he can hear crying for him but he just can't reach him.

He'll go mad, surely.

Every time the Dementors come around, Sirius thinks of handing little Harry over to Hagrid, of foolishly chasing after Peter and ending up here. He shakes himself free of those memories.

Better to think of the good times: James and Lily smiling proudly as they named him godfather, trusting him above all others to take care of their son. That memory of all of them together at Godric's Hollow for the last time—for the last time—is seared into his mind.

It has all fallen apart. Their beautiful world that was somehow outside the war, even as they fought in the thick of it . . . it's gone. James and Lily are dead, Remus nowhere to be found and Peter, the bastard, hopefully somewhere in pain for all the damage he's caused.

How's he supposed to remain an optimist trapped in a hellhole like this? Not even given a trial? This is no prank that can be scrubbed away. The guards seem to think him guilty of a multitude of sins, and he is, but not the ones they level at him.

He has to pretend it's all okay. He closes his eyes and remembers how things were, remembers who he was. Harry needs him, and no matter how long they're kept apart, nothing will change that.

No lost dreams, no lost friends, no actual sins can come before staying sane. He has to cling to the goodness he's known while he survives in the rubble of what remains. That's his only choice.

He can pay for his sins when Harry is safe.


End file.
